As I sit here at 11:00 at night I just have no idea where to begin with this post. I want so badly to write about my sweet Lyla Brooke and post some more of her pictures as I always do. That is why I started this blog in the first place. However, that is not what I feel today. I dont feel joy or excitement or the need to post anything about her . I know that might sound a little strange or almost mean but my spirits are down, my faith tried and my heart burdened. I just want to talk to someone.. say what I feel without a response back. Writing down my feelings on here is the only way that I felt like I could that. Maybe one day I can look back on this blog and this night and see how far I have come .. see how I have changed and have overcome this moment and these feelings.
I spent some very valuable time with my husband tonight talking about how I feel so unsure about God's reason for allowing my body to be overtaken by this illness, and why everyone continues to pray for my healing and believe and know that God has healed me , but yet I cannot feel it. Why is that? My faith not strong enough? My relationship with God not where it is supposed to be? Those were the questions that I asked my husband thinking and hoping that he would have the answer. I knew all along that it was not a question for him to answer but yet something that I needed to discuss with the Father . I know that he allowed this to happen to me for a reason and yet I have not learned of that reason yet. And maybe that is why I continue to battle with this state of mind and this unsureness of his healing touch. Maybe he wants me to use this illness in a way that I have not yet done. If that is so please pray that He will speak to me and that my heart and mind will be open to what he has to say.
I started my treatment on Friday which was what sparked this almost depressed state of mind. The truth is that in starting this treatment the disease became real again. I had not had any treatment or medications or any thought about this illness since Decemeber because of my pregnancy. I had lived my life for 9 months like any other normal person would. Free and with no worries about when my next relapse would be. For some strange reason that they have not yet discovered symptoms of MS disappear when you are pregnant. I lived my life without having to inject my body with a foreign substance that was made in a lab in God knows where. Wow! What a life and what a feeling. Then, just as it had begun it had to end. I had to come back to the realization that I am sick ... my body broken, my mind heavy. I came to the realization that every Friday for the rest of my life I would have to give myself an injection .. an injection that I can not forget to take, an injection that is " supposed " to buy me time. Who is to say that it really even works. I was angry with myself for starting the medication for not just having the faith in God to keep me healthy to allow me to live to an old age. This is where the question of my faith in God came in to play. Why can I just not let go and let God be. Why can I not have just a mustard seed of faith? That is all it takes.. a mustard seed size of faith and yet I do not even have that.
And that is why I am asking for prayer. Prayer for faith, for strength. Prayer for healing, understanding and for comfort. In my heart I know I am safe in the arms of God. I need to learn to lean on God and not my own understanding.
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